


(If He Goes On Like This) He Sure Ain't Gonna Last

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [7]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Crying, Cuddling, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Self-Doubt, There is nothing in there which limits the fic to one production, caring Judas, in love Judas, insecure Jesus, slightly angsty, universally applicable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-24 23:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14365806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: Prompt fill for:"Go to bed" - "I'm not tired" - "Yes you are."As always, I couldn't resist the angst, but it's only 1600 words, so it's still pretty light angst.





	(If He Goes On Like This) He Sure Ain't Gonna Last

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Clamour_for_Glamour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clamour_for_Glamour/gifts).



Judas knew, Jesus was overworked; they all did. And they all wanted to help him. Jesus would not let anybody help him and it broke Judas’ heart more and more, each day that passed without Jesus relying on him.

Judas knew that Jesus was aware that he loved him. After all he told him frequently, and still Jesus did not seem to believe him. He just smiled sadly and replied “I love you too”; it felt hollow, insincere, but Judas still hoped that someday Jesus would mean it.

Judas knew, Jesus tried his best. But sometimes one’s best was not entirely enough and there was nothing one could do. Judas also knew that Jesus did not know that. Jesus felt like he needed to be perfect at everything, fix every mistake and take every bitter fate upon himself. If he went on like this, surely he would not last much longer. Judas took it upon himself to try and lessen the weight Jesus insisted on carrying. So he cared for Jesus, reminded him to shower, when his thoughts were elsewhere, brought him food, when he sat alone in the evenings, too exhausted to get up, he talked sense into him when Jesus refused to rest and he kissed him when Jesus took his hand, pulling him close, because he knew Jesus wanted it, but was afraid to ask.

Now, like so often, he kissed Jesus gently, because it was the right thing to do. Jesus needed something to start him off, but Judas wanted Jesus to take initiative and Jesus did so without failure, pulling Judas close, a tight grip to the back of his head, it was on the edge between lazy and heated; exciting. Every kiss with Jesus was exciting. But suddenly Jesus pulled back, sizing Judas up for a second before speaking up hesitantly.

“You don’t have to do this.”

Judas was confused. He had expected a lot, but he was not sure what Jesus meant by this.

“Why do you kiss me? Is it because you pity me?” Judas opened his mouth to respond.

“Or is it because you think, something blessed will rub off onto you?” Judas shut his mouth again, suddenly speechless. The thought had never even occurred to him. He pulled back, out of Jesus’ reach, blinking in disbelief.

“You really think that?”

Not waiting for an answer, Judas stormed off. He felt like he was going to be sick. What was it about him, that made Jesus think such things about him? What was it about him, that made his affection questionable? Jesus did not come after him.

Judas could not eat, could not rest; he took a long walk.

When he came back, Jesus was surrounded by the other apostles; it was nothing unusual, not unlike any other time, but suddenly Judas noticed something. Everybody was uncharacteristically touchy, especially with Jesus. While that might be attributed to Jesus himself being a touchy person, and so getting everybody around him used to close contact, Judas realised, that this might be the reason behind Jesus’ suspicion.

Everybody always wanted to touch Jesus, the common people were basically ripping each other apart for a chance to touch divinity. But it had never been like that for Judas. He truly loved Jesus, for the person he was. Whether that person was influenced by whatever power God held over him, Judas could not say, but it did not matter to him, because Jesus was still only a person longing to be loved and understood.

Suppressing the urge to shoo away everybody and spend some time alone with Jesus, he retreated, until after supper, when Jesus was usually alone and exhausted. And as he had expected, he found him in that exact condition; Jesus looked tired, yet on edge.

He got up immediately, when he heard Judas’ footsteps approaching.

“I’m sorry, I shou-“

“Jesus, I know –“

They stopped talking, awkwardly. Judas stepped closer and took Jesus’ hand between his own. Jesus did not look at him.

“I know that you don’t feel like anybody wants you for what you are. I see them too, I know why you think that. But please, please don’t ever think that I would think like that.”

It hurt, to say it out loud. It hurt Judas, even though he was not the one actually experiencing it. It hurt so badly, he felt his heart breaking, but he continued speaking.

“I don’t want you to feel like you are alone in this. You’re not. I get that it’s difficult to believe me, but I really do love you. Not the ‘son of God’, the ‘Christ’, but you, as the person who wants to  
help people and better the world. I wish you could believe me, and I hope I can really convince you one day.”

Judas bit his lower lip, trying to keep his hands steady. Jesus unexpectedly stepped closer, finally looking up at Judas, cupping his jaw with his free hand. His eyes were dark, full of unspeakable  
emotions. 

“Thank you.” Jesus took a deep breath, Judas saw those eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“I – I want to believe you. And I do, I do, but all the people, I’m overwhelmed sometimes.”

A tear escaped his eye, Judas tracked its movement down Jesus’ cheek.

“I love you too. I feel like I’m not good at showing you that I do, I just – I do and I am so, so happy that you love me, but-“ he took a shaky breath. “I have so many doubts. I’m sorry.”

Judas felt his own eyes filling with tears, as he let go off Jesus’ hand, wrapping his arms around the too bony shoulders, pulling Jesus close. He felt the sobs tearing through Jesus, who buried his  
face in the base of Judas’ neck, clinging to him desperately.

Judas knew in that moment, that he was meant to do this and nothing else. Jesus needed him, Jesus needed love, Jesus needed reassurance and stability and Judas could provide all of that. 

Jesus slowly calmed down with Judas stroking a hand up and down his back; he was good at this. Not only because he cared for Jesus and wanted to be good at it, but also clearly because Jesus  
wanted him to, trusted him to.

When Jesus stopped sobbing and stayed still, his grip loosening around Judas.

“Hey” Judas said softly. “you alright?”

Jesus jerked his head up, looking at Judas with a startled expression.

Judas chuckled. Jesus was really exhausted, if he just dozed off on his shoulder.

“You should go to bed. Sleep for a bit – No, don’t look at me like this, you just basically fell asleep while standing upright.”

Jesus pouted. Judas was so in love. Jesus’ eyes were puffy, reddish, his cheeks rosy, he was pushing out his bottom lip like a three year-old, adding something utterly adorable to the face, Judas found irresistibly beautiful anyway.

“But I’m not tired” Judas was not sure if Jesus was being deliberately or unconsciously self-destructive, or simply messing with him. But either way he was not having any of it.

“Bullshit. You know just as well as I, that you are about to collapse anyway, so why don’t you just go to bed?”

Jesus’ expression shifted from his mocking pout to something serious. 

“I don’t really wanna sleep.” A shaky breath. “I don’t wanna dream. It’s bad. I see so much pain that I can’t take away, I don’t wanna see – I don’t wanna feel that.”

Judas swallowed. He realized he had close to no idea what went on inside Jesus’ head; the horrors he saw.

“I’m sorry.” Judas said heavily. “I’m sorry, but you do have to sleep.” 

He hesitated, unsure how Jesus would react, but if he was being honest, anything was preferable to Jesus simply not sleeping at all.

“Would it help if I went to bed with you? I understand if you need space and I’ll leave you alone, if that’s what you want. But if you think it would help, maybe, then you don’t have to sleep alone.”

“Yes!” Jesus’ answer was immediate and enthusiastic. “Please,” he added more quietly.

Judas felt a smile spreading on his face. He could do this. He could care for Jesus and make him feel better. Jesus’ responding smile was blinding, toothy, and Judas, impossibly, fell even more in love. He let Jesus take his hand and pull him into bed. Judas frowned at Jesus, for not undressing except toeing off his shoes, but when he saw Jesus’ eyelids with those beautiful long eyelashes fluttering shut as soon as his head hit the pillow, Judas followed suit. He laid one arm around Jesus’ middle, his heart leapt with joy when Jesus snuggled closer and took his hand and laced their fingers together; Jesus really wanted him here.

Judas had hope. He had hope for things to be alright one day. It was not easy, sometimes, to imagine a life different to what they were living, but Judas saw glimpses of happiness, he saw sunshine in the way Jesus smiled and clear summer nights with endless stars above in his eyes when he looked at Judas with admiration. Judas saw a future where Jesus was relaxed and accepted himself and most importantly was accepted by everybody as he was. 

Holding Jesus was relieving. Judas had not known how much he had craved it, but now that he had it, he could not be happier. Smiling into Jesus’ soft hair, inhaling his scent, he closed his eyes and listened to Jesus’ breath going in regular slow puffs. And once again Judas fell in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Hang out with me on [tumblr](https://lokianawinchester.tumblr.com/) or look at my Jesus Christ Superstar posts on [my side blog](https://this-broken-man.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send me prompts!
> 
> I know I always copy/paste this, but I mean it, if you wanna send in prompts or head canons or anything, feel free to send them to me!


End file.
